Law of Opposites

The Law of Opposites is just a variation of the Law of Unintended Consequences. When we attempt to achieve a certain goal – like, “make the world safe for democracy,” a grandiose scheme of World War I – one can be sure the world will become less safe and less democratic regardless of the motivation. ~ Ron Paul

an excerpt from my journal entry 2-2-09:

if you hold yourself to certain expectations it actually prevents you from achieving them.  in the end you just have to know life can be a wonderful journey, and stop letting things from letting you experience it. 

my fear of failure prevents me from actually doing most things.  i guess i should be a “yes girl,” and to be honest i’ve d one much more since returning from omaha.  i visited mia madison in new york city, went out to dinner with friends a few times, visited prance kitten multiple times, went to dc.  and coming up is a cake competition with a friend, seeing prance kitten again while i’m up that way, pc alumni weekend and britney.  that’s a lot of activity for a girl that normally lives in a box. 

if you’re a shut-in nothing will ever happen, because opportunity doesn’t knock on your front door, you must seek it.  seriously i stopped taking voice lessons because of fear, i stopped taking dance lessons, and i picked a major to avoid being compared to family members that most certainly would have been a failure in comparison.  it seems like i really miss out on a lot…

When Lying Is Good

i am the worst liar i know.  i can’t lie even if it meant a life of happiness.  this past weekend my horrible skills were put to the test.  i was in dc for my brother’s birthday.  his girlfriend was planning a surprise part for him.  keeping that from him was hard, but when he decided to make his own plans it got even harder.  the party was suppose to start between 8 and 9, but the only reservation we could get for dinner at Ray’s the Steaks was 9:30.  when he looked to me for agreement on the time (since we normally eat around 6 or 7) all i could do was stare blankly back at him.

luckily i wasn’t the only one who knew about the surprise and my sister fixed it.  we went to dinner where his gf would meat us (last week in an email my sister typed “meat” instead of “meet”…i couldn’t resist here seeing that we were at a steakhouse), but we finished our meal before she arrived so we needed to stall. 

how do you stall any boy?  you start talking about them.  it’s often stated that girls love talking about themselves, but boys love it more than we do.  it worked like a charm, as we chronicled all of his major life accomplishments.  she was there shortly, blindfolded him and threw him in a cab.  i made it the whole night, without spilling it.  the best part was seeing him caught off guard because that never happens, he normally taps into his sixth sense aka body language.

Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret, okay? I didn’t propose!
Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us you were a doctor?

Memories I’ll Never Lose

Every man’s memory is his private literature.  ~Aldous Huxley

you learn the most about someone through their posessions. you can tell the most about me from two boxes that i keep in my closet. inside you’ll find things like ticket stubs, play bills, and airline tickets. but you’ll also find some real gems.

a game of mash.  i played with a waiter at my job. since i couldn’t think of any crushes he made the guy selections for me, and put his name in all five slots. i’m just saying…that wouldn’t be horrible.

my first license. i refused to give it to my sister, so instead i gave her my first (and only) fake id. it might say she’s 29 but it’s not expired. it doesn’t expire till 2025.

extra swarovski crystals from a pair of 7 jeans that i bought on the side of nyc street. just $40…what a bargain. i’m pretty sure they are real.

a business card from a former boss who i had the biggest crush on. and for the record he’s five years older than me.

a picture of a friend making out with a guy in a dark private room. i didn’t take it, but i made sure i got a copy. she always swore she’d get me back…hasn’t happened yet.

the milf code. a little something i wrote up with my friends to make sure we stay on the right track in terms of staying fit and looking hot for life. i’d share a few lines, but i think my friends would kill me.

everything i mentioned is from the last four years of my life.  so here’s to hoping another boy won’t give me a beaker as a gift of adoration.  this weekend i’m off to nyc to make more memories i’ll never lose.

Confessions Of A Blogger

i’m not sure how it works, but my old diaries still shock me. as i’m reading it now i can’t help but be baffled. i remember the big things, but the small details aren’t a part of the memory. these things shouldn’t be coming out of left field, but they do.

9-28-05 Wednesday
apparently last night friend 1 told boy 1 that i like him to which boy 1 replied “yeah me too.” and he didn’t give an opion either way. i still feel the horror from hearing this for the first time. i only tell people i like them if i already know their response. in related news, never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.

10-1-05 Saturday
at the end of the night i ended up walking back with this kid. i strategically gave him my number so boy 1 would get jealous (boy 1 and this kid are good friends), so this should be good. we’ll have to see how this plays out. little did i know that i would end up dating this “kid” and would like him a lot more than boy 1. but the amount of time i put into talking to or gawking over boy 1 is scary, did i really do that? and why? *shivers*

Second Opinions

i’ve had a cold for a week. it was just a bad cold, according to self-diagnosis (which i’ve very good at by the way). i had all the normal symptoms: slight fever, runny nose, and cough. people had been boring me to go to the doctor, but what would they have told me? get rest and drink lots of liquids…but i alread knew that. but yesterday it turned into something else.

i woke up and my whole face hurt, i knew it was a sinus infection. i made an appointment and she pretty much time told me it was just a bad cold. as soon as i left i still knew she was wrong because the pain from my sinuses was bringing me to tears. after i called my mom i knew i needed a second opinion. i went to another appointment and the doctor recognized what i was feeling right away. he ordered two shots (both in my derriere) and prescribed an antibiotic.

i learned a very powerful lesson. go with what you believe and don’t take no for an answer whether it’s your health or what you want for dessert.

The Real 411

you might not know much about me so i’d thought i would answer a few random questions:

what’s your favorite lunch meat?
roast beef, or as i like to call it roast beast

do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
nope…i tie them once and hopefully never again

last thing you ate?
general tso’s chicken with peppers and onions over brown rice

if you were a crayon what color would you be?
probably violet, but i would want to say i’m macaroni and cheese (blue box…i’d be the cheesiest)

hugs or kisses?
definitely kisses…i’m not the hugging type

what did you watch on tv last night?
jon and kate plus eight

have you met any celebrities?
peter gammons, frankie j, and chris berman

out of the fifty states, how many have you been to?
37

the last song you downloaded?
“here” by rascal flatts

any more questions? just submit them under the comment section

White Flag

i know now the place that i was trying to reach was you right here in front of me

does being happy mean being thrilled with every aspect of your life?  no.  but i think it’s safe to say, you’d be happy with the majority of things.  what if you’re not? what can you do?  i remember the last time i felt good, and how that differs from the way things are now.  so what’s different?

i felt in control, i was more certain about my immediate future.  i had things to look forward to.  i knew what to expect.  i knew my routine, like the back of my hand. now it seems a week can’t pass without some type of problem.  first it was a flat tire, then i got sick, who knows whats just around the corner.  i’m not going to be at home for thanksgiving, for the first time in 22 years. no vacations to get excited about.

i was surrounded by people i knew.  at school it was friends, and just familar faces you get use to seeing as you walk across campus.  most of my family was a short drive away.  here, it’s like staring at a crowd of blank faces.  it’s not the friendly midwest that you think it would be.  the closest extended family is a 7 hour drive.  when i get calls from family saying they’re together while i sit alone…a tear falls down my cheek. 

how long do you ’stick it out’ before you wave the white flag?

Crying In Public

ever cry in public?  i came pretty close today.  and i was in the middle of a spinning class damn it.

i had the bike on the hardest resistance will still being able to turn the wheels without falling over onto the floor (although i was close).  why do i push myself to these lengths?  i contemplated crying but never stopping.  i didn’t cry because i realized that would accomplish nothing and if anything it would get in the way of my workout. (also, there is a guy who looks like vk, and i kept thinking of what he or anyone as dedicated would say to me in this instance)  is this normal?

I’m So Hungry I Could Eat At Arby’s

i joined a 24 hour gym…who knows 2 am could roll around and i don’t have to fight the urge to go to the gym.  today was my first day testing it out.  i did 30 minutes on the eliptical, 20 minutes of randomness while i waited for my class….30 minutes of athletic training, followed by a 15 minute ab intensive workout.  needless to say i’m going to wake up sore tomorrow and right now i can barely function.  before i left this morning i pulled something out for dinner but my ride home was so tempting…

within one mile of my apartment is mcdonalds, wendys, arbys (“i’m so hungry, i could eat at arby’s” – ralph from the simpsons), burger king, long john silvers, panera, jimmy johns, just to name a few.  i was tempted to stop in, so i could mindlessly shove the food into my mouth to get some energy back.  but i didn’t do it, because i remembered the feeling you get after you eat fast food.  i hate that feeling, and i haven’t felt it for at least a year.  instead i’ll cook to relax…it does it to me, not on the same level as a massage, but its nice, and take an extremely hot and long shower to soothe my muscles. sometimes i wish i wasn’t so good to myself…

I Just Got My White Coat And Stethoscope!

i’ve finished my first full week of a full time job.  i have to say the gig is pretty sweet.  i worked 8-3:30.  ideally I would love to be a woman of leisure and have a side job from 1-4.  you know…when no good tv is on.  something to keep me busy and get me out of the house, but this isn’t so bad.  although, i have found myself going to bed at 11, a bit too early for the normal me. the pay’s not great, but that’s what happens when you work for a non-profit company.   in reality, how much do i really need anyway?  i have noted one dramatic change.

once you start working full time, less time is spent shopping, talking to friends, or other routines.  i have spent no money on clothes in the last week, something that is hard to avoid when you have nothing to do.  with a lot of free time there’s never enough malls.  i also talk to my friends when i can, not when i feel like it.  yeah, that’s a shame.  this weekend i could only find time during my walk back from the library.  although, there is the occasional text.  my friend matt sent me this one: “i just got my white coat and stethoscope.  i am pretty much a doctor!”  i also got a call from my friend that i refer to as date, he was on the phone along with two of my old my roommates.  these things make you sad, and make me wish i was there with them to experience the new moments in the their lives.  at this moment you press play on michael buble’s “home,” as a few tears fall down your cheek. 

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home